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[Iyouboushi]

Guess what time it is! Time to SUFFER!

The list of the top 100 songs of 2018 has been compiled and released. I'm going to list all 100 here but if you only want to do the top 10 or the top 20 feel free. I feel like the last few years we haven't even really bothered to try. After looking through this list it isn't hard to imagine why.

As always, please use the following scoring system (from best to worst):

<-> <-> <-> <->

With meaning you could listen to that song multiple times in a row without even really realizing (it's that good!), to being "OMG THIS IS GOD AWFUL! SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS EVIL NOISE!"

Got it? Good.

Here's the list of the Top 100 Pop Songs of 2018:

Spoiler

100 Imagine Dragons - Believer
099 J Balvin & Willy William ft Beyonce - Mi Gente
098 Dua Lipa - IDGAF
097 Rae Sremmurd ft Juicy J - Powerglide
096 Luke Combs - One Number Away
095 Brett Young - Mercy
094 XXXTentaction - Changes
093 Daddy Yankee - Dura
092 Ella Mai - Trip
091 YoungBoy Never Broke Again - Outside Today
090 Nicky Jam & J Balvin - X
089 Maroon 5 ft SZA - What Lovers Do
088 XXXTentaction - Moonlight
087 Kenny Chesnney - Get Along
086 Drake - I'm Upset
085 Justin Timberlake ft Chris Stapleton - Say Something
084 Logic ft Alessia Cara & Khalid - 1-800-273-8255
083 N.E.R.D. and Rihanna - Lemon
082 Florida Georgia Line - Simple
081 Nio Garcia, Darell and Casper Magico ft Bad Bunny, Nicky Jam and Ozuna - Te Bote
080 Marshmello and Bastille - Happier
079 Jay Rock, Kendrick Lamar, Future and James Blake - King's Dead
078 The Weeknd - Call Out My Name
077 Benny Blanco, Halsey and Khalid - Eastside
076 Thomas Rhett - Marry Me
075 Miguel ft Travis Scott - Sky Walker
074 ASAP Ferg ft Nicki Minaj - Plain Jane
073 DJ Khaled ft Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper and Quavo - No Brainer
072 Gucci Mane ft Migos - I Get the Bag
071 Ed Sheeran - Shape of You
070 Jason Aldean - You Make it Easy
069 Imagine Dragons - Natural
068 Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa - One Kiss
067 Khalid - Young Dumb & Broke
066 Max featuring Gnash - Lights Down Low
065 Charlie Puth - How Long
064 Demi Lovato - Sorry Not Sorry
063 YG ft 2 Chainz, Nicki Minaj, and Big Sean - Big Bank
062 Ariana Grande - God Is a Woman
061 Cardi B ft 21 Savage - Bartier Cardi
060 Selena Gomez and Marshmello - Wolves
059 Cardi B - Be Careful
058 Maroon 5 - Wait
057 Rich the Kid - Plug Walk
056 6ix9ine - Gummo
055 Lil Dicky ft Chris Brown - Freaky Friday
054 Cardi B - Bodak Yellow
053 Kane Brown - Heaven
052 Drake - Nonstop
051 Childish Gambino - This Is America
050 Kendrick Lamar ft Zacari - Love
049 Sam Smith - Too Good At Goodbyes
048 Migos - Stir Fry
047 Kendrick Lamar and SZA - All the Stars
046 Shawn Mendes - In My Blood
045 G-Eazy and Halsey - Him & I
044 Lil Pump - Gucci Gang
043 Migos ft Drake - Walk It Talk It
042 Travis Scott - Sicko Mode
041 Selena Gomez - Back to You
040 The Weeknd and Kendrick Lamar - Pray For Me
039 Post Malone - I Fall Apart
038 Offset and Metro Boomin - Ric Flair Drip
037 Imagine Dragons - Whatever It Takes
036 5 Seconds of Summer - Youngblood
035 Lauv - I Like Me Better
034 Migos, Nicki Minaj and Cardi B - MotorSport
033 Portugal. The Man - Feel It Still
032 Dan + Shay - Tequila
031 6ix9ine ft Nicki Minaj and Murda Beatz - Fefe
030 G-Eazy ft ASAP Rocky and Cardi B - No Limit
029 NF - Let You Down
028 Tyga ft Offset - Taste
027 Halsey - Bad At Love
026 Marshmello and Anne-Marie - Friends
025 Lil Baby and Drake - Yes Indeed
024 Taylor Swift - Delicate
023 BlocBoy JB ft Drake - Look Alive
022 Imagine Dragons - Thunder
021 Bazzi - Mine
020 Ariana Grande - No Tears Left to Cry
019 Khalid and Normani - Love Lies
018 Camila Cabello - Never Be the Same
017 XXXTentacion - Sad!
016 Dua Lipa - New Rules
015 Ella Mai - Boo'd Up
014 Bruno Mars ft Cardi B - Finesse
013 Post Malone - Better Now
012 Juice Wrld - Lucid Dreams
011 Drake - Nice For What
010 Maroon 5 ft Cardi B - Girls Like You
009 Drake - In My Feelings
008 Zedd, Mren Morris and Grey - The Middle
007 Cardi B, Bad Bunny and J Balvin - I Like It
006 Post Malone ft Ty Dolla Sign - Psycho
005 Post Malone ft 21 Savage - Rockstar
004 Camila Cabello ft Young Thug - Havana
003 Bebe Rexha ft Florida Georgia Line - Meant to Be
002 Ed Sheeran - Perfect
001 Drake - God's Plan

[Iyouboushi]

May there be mercy upon my soul.  I am going to try to attempt to at least listen to these 100 songs.  Here's a pre-emptive   because good lord.  The top 10, especially, looks awful.

 

100 Imagine Dragons - Believer

Actually, to be honest, I don't mind this song.  Imagine Dragons has become the closest thing to rock that we have on the mainstream pop stations.  Most of their songs are OK.  They don't really break new ground but they're not really that offensive.  Compared to later songs this one is probably a pallet cleanser.

 

Rating:

 

 

099 J Balvin & Willy William ft Beyonce - Mi Gente

And so it begins...

 

The second song of the year and I'm already ready to rip my ears out.  This is a painful year for music..     I sure do love music with the same droning noise throughout the entire song said no one ever (well, that last part is not true obviously since this is in the top 100).   Just... ugh.

 

Rating:

 

 

098 Dua Lipa - IDGAF

Well at least this song has chord changes (and a guitar to boot lol).  However it doesn't really inspire any real feeling in me.  I say this literally every year so I'll repeat it now but I feel like music should make me feel something.  It should make me want to dance or move me to tears or bring back memories or something... but this song does nothing.  Nor did the previous one.   At least the title is accurate to how I feel about this song lol.

 

Rating:

 

 

097 Rae Sremmurd ft Juicy J - Powerglide

I feel like I should just powerglide past this one.  I don't know how people can listen to this.  However I'll give it this.. if the vocal track was removed this song probably wouldn't be too bad as like a game stage level or something.  But the lyrics are terrible.. so yeah.  No.

 

Rating:

 

 

096 Luke Combs - One Number Away

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee haw!  We always have to have a country song on the top 100.  Every year I always comment about how I don't really like country any more and how all their songs are roughly the same...  2018 isn't really any different.  Still, I know this is a personal opinion (obviously there's people out there who don't like the same songs I do lol) but I would love to hear a good country song on these lists.  But they're all the same... 

 

Rating:

 

 

095 Brett Young - Mercy

Well.. at least this song evokes a little bit of emotion out of me.  Too bad the song is just.. meh.  It's a piano song.  Like there's not a million of those already out there (and many done better).  

 

Rating:

 

 

I'm only 5 songs into this and I'm regretting all my life choices.....

[Dead]

Oh dear god.. I've taken time off to let my ears heal, and like any stunt person, I'm throwing myself right back in to damage my hearing and brain beyond repair.. Why? Because apparently I love pain. That said here goes. Oh of note this year, it's likely going to be just me doing this, as Sam is busy with teaching and all, and I'm actually doing this at work with no youtube. So no video links, but I'll watch them on my phone and comment. 

 

alright... on with the show, let's forgo good music and dive right in... 

 

100 - Imagine Dragons - Believer 

 

So, my assumption is this will be the best song on the list. (Wanna fight about it? lol) The video was interesting, the song wasn't bad. It's a song I've heard before, but not to the point of I want to kill it with fire. Also, Dolph Lundgren, what are you doing here? Nice to see imagine dragons singer get punched in the face a few times. So yeah.. If this song came on the radio randomly, I probably wouldn't care. It's a decent little tune but not a world changer. 

 

099 - J Balvin, Willy William - Mi Gente

 

Right off the bat, I just hate the title. Not for any particular reason, I just hate it. Ok first off, I never care to see anyone levitate ghost humping on two piles of lemons while two people just stare blandly at a camera. No thank you. Also the song seems to be just stuck in a rut while the guy spanish raps over it. yay for 5 seconds of music played over and over and over again that sounds like a lost and confused old lady tripped on a squeaky swingset. That must have taken all day to compose, right?  Sure there's a drum beat, thanks 1980's casio keyboards for that. So yeah aside from casper's shame, the video mainly consists of "artistic" flair aka the walls having graffiti seizures and people randomly "dancing" aka shaking their butts like the song makes them uncontrollably dance to the "rhythm" don't forget obligatory nightclub scene, guest rapper guy on a throne and everyone trying to look all cool but really not succeeding.

This song made me feel nothing aside from the need to buy WD-40 and help grandma find her lost cat.  Thanks for playing.. Next!

 

 

098- Dua Lipa - IDGAF

 

Alright, so I have a soft spot for songs that throw out the F-bomb. (when done right, if its a song like Rhianna's cake, no thanks.) This song while not ever going on my playlist does that, and earns points from me there. It is a song that will lodge in my brain for sure, and the hard part for me is determining if its because of how they use the f-bomb or just because the song is that catchy. It sounds almost like a toned down version of the old song 'Close to the Edit' by Art of Noise, (which is definitely better than this) The video was honestly boring, going for a minimalist vibe I guess? One bad thing about this song is after hearing it I remember 0 about it other than I.. dont give.. a #$(& which is the main hook.  Also I hate the name 'Dua Lipa' I get it might be her actual name, but IDGAF. 

 

 

097 - Rae Sremmurd ft. Juicy J - Powerglide

 

So is this song about lube? 'cause that's what the title is. So video highlights some of the stupidest looking cars I've ever seen. I guess its the big thing now to put gigantic tires on old crappy looking cars. Oh and 'murica Lambo. I don't think even Captain America would drive that. The rapper sounds like a kid  until it switched to the 2nd guy, who sounds like forgets how to talk occasionally. I mean for a rap song it's not the worst. It hits every cliche rap note that every cliche rap song hits, so I guess it checked all the boxes. The background music sounds like an underwater level of a video game, too bad they don't all drown. 

 

 

096 - Luke Combs - One Number Away 

 

Oh no, someone saddened the redneck.  It sounds like a toned down Daughtry, and points for not checking all the country song boxes. In fact the only mention of pickup is in reference to a phone, also some decent guitar hiding in there too. Whaat? People can make music with out casio?! BLASPHEMY! Too bad its whiney country. (sans twang, OMG.) The video was a nice little story about a sad redneck who's girl died in a car crash. Aww. But at least the song went with the video unlike 90% of these songs which could do just fine without their video. Too bad its country.. Points for originality. sorta.. 

 

 

095 - Brett Young - Mercy 

 

HAUNTED PIANO ON THE BEACH!! When this song started, I thought we were going into a round of 'Hey Jude' but then it swung into country town. This guy has a typical country singing voice, which no thanks. Again, at least it's not checking all the country boxes, but I'm definitely getting a sad redneck vibe this year for our country outings. Video wise, its him remembering his gone lady friend and how much she means blah blah blah. yawn. And she comes back to him in the end. there ya go. Saved ya 5 minutes.  Unlike the other song all this one has is pretty piano, and drama with yowley country voice. Pass. 

 

[Dead]

094 - XXXTentaction - Changes 

 

So, this song has no video (at least not an official one that I could find) so I just got to hear it. Firstly, wtf is with the name? When presented with an artist for the first time, you don't know how they sound, so all you have to go on is a name, and this one sounds like a robot F****d a squid, or slang for some fun times in the woods. (How's about a little xxx tent action? tee hee.) Usually names like that are associated with awful rap acts or dumb kids, and looking at a pic of this guy you wouldn't think any different. Then I heard the song, and while it's the same 5 notes (5 notes is generous) on a piano, the singing is actually decent, and not at all what you'd expect. Kudos for surprising me, Robot Squid Sex. I may still never listen to you, but at least you have a bit of talent. I'm sure you'll prove me wrong later.

 

 

093 - Daddy Yankee - Dura

 

 Again, names! Daddy Yankee? Did you walk in on him during his 'alone time?' Or is this going to be some southern drawl of a country catastrophe? Also, Dura. wut.  Let's hit play and find out! Oh... its another one of these. Because Despacito was such a big deal now we have spanish rap as a genre I guess. I see this as ska for the rap genre.  Its basically everything I said about Mi Gente, except more upbeat. Please leave my existence now. 

 

 

092 - Ella Mai - Trip 

 

So she can sing, that's good. Along with the sad redneck theme, apparently there's a minimalist piano theme too, as this song has a few piano notes to accompany Ella's singing, which again isn't terrible. There are a few rough spots in there (usually when she starts repeating for the song hook, or they edit her voice to jump/skip) but otherwise it's ok. Again nothing hitting my playlist ever, but I didn't want to rip my ears off at least, her trip-tripping is a bit obnoxious, but its not repeated so much that I hate life, although it does get a bit grating at the end. 

 

 

091 - NBA YoungBoy - Outside Today

 

Oh, Jesus. Just shoot me. I'll never understand how this qualifies as music. Hits all the rap cliches, check. Makes me wish I had spent the 2 minutes and 30 seconds grinding my teeth against a chalk board made of shattered glass? Check. Would have had a more enjoyable time listening to two geriatric cats grind on each other for 3 hours. Check. Waste of time and life? check. 

 

 

090 Nicky Jam & J Balvin - X

 

Guess what's back? Spanish rap! Guess who doesn't care? ME! This one sounds like sad elephant walk, and the video looks like hollywood squares is trying to make a comeback.  Auuuuugh.. this might be the worst of them all, and I think it's entirely due to the squeaky fart noises they call music. Please merciful lord let this be the last song I hear from them on this list! 

 

[Dead]

089 Maroon 5 ft SZA - What Lovers Do

 

Hey! It's Maroon 5, I needed a palette cleanser. let's see what this is like.. Oh Bubblegummy for sure! At first I couldn't get over the turkey gobbling in the background, but then they decided that was a bad idea and went with OOO OOO OO neutered monkey noises from the lead singer. Much better... Video wise this is chock full of bad CG and terrible effects and talking animals. Musically, its... eh. At least it doesn't make me want to off myself.

 

 

088 XXXTentaction - Moonlight

 

We meet again, Robo Squid Porn! Let's see if your talent carries over to this song.. oh no.. no it doesn't. Granted this song is still better than all the other rap awfulness on the list. You can't keep riding the one song with talent train, Mecha-Pus. If I had to describe the sound, it would be unintelligible mumbling over tinkering with a broken music box. 

 

for now, don't disappoint me again. 

 

087 Kenny Chesnney - Get Along

 

Whooooooooo Doggies! Ya'll know what time it is? It's time to get along! So lets have us a drank and pick some banjos and get along, ya'll!  We can hit the most of the country checklist and still be somewhat upbeat, an everythin'. No! Get along little doggie, right out of my ear holes. Forever. 

 

 

086 Drake - I'm Upset

 

Oh boy.. Drake is here, and he's upset! Watch out! Oh.. boring bland lame. its drake.. he's upset.. what else is new. The song itself does nothing for me, as most Drake songs do. The video at least had Jay and Silent Bob doing their thing, so that was alright. I'm sure its all a nod to Drake's earlier acting days, but I'll take it. Too bad the song sucks.

 

 

085 Justin Timberlake ft Chris Stapleton - Say Something

 

A 6 minute + video? Do we really need that. I only signed up for a song, not a whole short film. Seems JT is going for that indie vibe that was so popular a couple years ago. I was actually kinda digging it.. then Stapelton popped in, I thought he was going to ruin it, however nope, it went back to doing what it started out with. This song is actually not terrible! Whaaaaat?! People have talent in 2018?! I never would have guessed from the rest of this list. Too bad there's not a whole lot to the lyrics, but that's not really the worst thing in this case. 

 

 

 

084 Logic ft Alessia Cara & Khalid - 1-800-273-8255

 

What Phone number is this?! Suicide prevention hotline? ...I think it actually might be. Clever. While not my cup of tea musically I can't deny the good this song could actually do. The video is very well done, and I couldn't stop watching it. Coincidentally the appearances by some well known actors in it was kinda cool too.  Its good that a song like this can make the top 100, its too bad it has to share the limelight with other lamer, less worthwhile songs.  A for effort, and I hope this song does some people a lot of good. Thanks song for restoring some of my lost faith in humanity.

 

 

083 N.E.R.D. and Rihanna - Lemon

 

Oh god.. Just seeing Rihanna's name gives me a headache, and PTSD Cake flashbacks. *make them stop!! make them stop!! *rocks back and forth* So let's give this a shot.... aaaaaaaaand I immediately regret my life choices.  I don't know if disgusting is the right word for the video. Revolting? nah.. Gross.. that's the word. I mean its nothing that hasn't been done before, but I really don't want your flappity jiggles all over for 5 minutes while someone is drunk at the dj table.  Speaking of drunk Djs, isn't their entire job to keep the beat? I mean they have a beat sure, but the "singing" is everywhere..not going with the music much like baldy mcdance face doesn't go with dancing.  The fact this song exists and is on the list is why people have to call the number on the last song. This song is terrible. The video makes my eyes want to die. 

 

 

 

082 Florida Georgia Line - Simple

 

Nooo!!  If FGL is gonna dance around like that last song, I quit. I'm done! No more reviews. I'm gone forever. ok.... all I could find was a Lyric Video for this one, but thats probably for the better. So yeah.. its FGL, you know what you're going to get here. Country drawl. I swear though, this song should be on sesame street. Today's song was brought to you by the word 'Simple' S I M P L E ... like your mind if you made this song. Please don't listen to this song. 

 

 

 

081 Nio Garcia, Darell and Casper Magico ft Bad Bunny, Nicky Jam and Ozuna - Te Bote

 

So is this the unbreak my heart of Spanish Rap? Oh no.. it quickly goes into the same sounding territory as the others, a little slower than the others but the same beat in the background. Also sounds like they got someone to sing over the phone in the background. This song is why we need the wall.  I understand that's a horrible awful comment, but this is a horrible awful song that never should have crossed the borders of the charts and entered my ears. When I lived in Portales, I could just walk outside and hear this any time. Why is it so special now?

 

 

080 Marshmello and Bastille - Happier

 

Oh no.. the video that made my daughter cry. Stupid dogs being dogs!  The song isn't the worst, but my whole family hates it due to the video, so it is forever banned. It did make my daughter appreciate our dogs more, so yay!  As a song on its own, meh. As a video with a song - DAMN YOU TO HELL HAPPIER!! YOU GIVE US THE FEELS.

 

[Dead]

079 Jay Rock, Kendrick Lamar, Future and James Blake - King's Dead

 

augh.. just die. I hereby proclaim everyone in this song the King and demand they live up to the song title. If asthmatic trach tube rapping is your thing, then you've come to the right place at 1:47 in the video. If good music is your thing, then you definitely took a wrong turn at Albuquerque. This song is the worst, and about halfway through it decided it wants to be a different song entirely and somehow gets even worse than it started out being.  This song is worse than the rhianna song, because none of the cars in the street in the video run him over, and it doesn't end soon enough and its GOD AWFUL!! 

 

 

078 The Weeknd - Call Out My Name

 

Look out! Bird Thanos is here, and no crow is safe!  This song and video is 10,000 times better than the last one. Mainly because of this mysterious thing called Talent, which the Weeknd apparently has. Is the weekend just the one guy? Odd name choice if so. 

While the Weeknd does have talent, this song isn't going on my playlist, but at least its decent enough to not make me regret my life after hearing it.  It reminds me a lot of the take me to church song that came out a while back. 

 

 

077 Benny Blanco, Halsey and Khalid - Eastside

 

Well here's a big Meh of a song if there ever was one.  The video is a whole lot of telling you about 'Benny' and his growing up and I'm guessing Halsey too.. whoopdy doo. 

Meh meh meh, all the mehs. It's all forgettable meh

 

 

076 Thomas Rhett - Marry Me

 

Well the sad redneck trend continues.  Drinking whiskey cause she doesn't wanna marry you. boo hoo. move on. Musically it reminds me a bit 'change the world' for some reason. Also the guy looks like Rhett from Rhett and link, but I doubt they're related, the name just likely makes me associate them. Anyway off topic, its another meh sad redneck song. move along..

 

 

075 Miguel ft Travis Scott - Sky Walker

 

So this is one of those rap songs I'm sure at some point will be a meme.  It just kinda lends itself to that. The video has a bit of humor, but otherwise hits all the tired rap cliches, as does the song. yawn. Its not bad enough to make me hate living, and its not good enough to get past   That being said, I want to know why every single rap song these days loves to jump in with weird noises in the middle of their singing. I guess its so you won't fall asleep due to boredom. 

 

[Dead]

074 ASAP Ferg ft Nicki Minaj - Plain Jane

Oh no.. I see a name in this title that gives me flashbacks to times where my ears wanted to die. Augh… it has begun.. Here goes 4 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. Nicki is a grate on the nerves like usual, luckily its not just repeating 3 words over and over or her super weird Roman junk. ASAP Ferg just sounds bored and its all over three piano keys over and over and over. Ugh.  Videowise its just people dancing and a crowd going woooooo. Exciting.

 

 

073 DJ Khaled ft Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper and Quavo - No Brainer

 

I thought we were free of the Biebs, like a bad case of crabs, he’s back and ready to lay waste to your sensitive bits all over again.  Well this song sounds like they’re drowning in Autotune. Beiber seems to have adopted a dirty trucker look, and is it sad his is the only non auto tune sounding part of the song? I guess he’s trying to pull a timberlake here, but it’s not working.  This might make serviceable elevator music, but that’s asking a lot, it still has about 475 more notes than ASAP Ferg and Niki’s song.

 

 

 

072 Gucci Mane ft Migos - I Get the Bag

 

Augh.. this is going to be terrible isn’t it?! I’ve seen this before… why have I heard this ever?! Augh make it stop!! This is one of those “songs” that likes to just be monotone and throw in random noises that sound like cell phone notifications from the 90s. I should start doing that in these revies.. BRRRIIIP!  Did it work? Is the review better? BLEEAGH! No?  how bout now SCUSH SCUSH SCUSH!? No? hmm.. I wonder why this doesn’t work?!

 

 

 

071 Ed Sheeran - Shape of You

 

This song.. it was all over the place forever. You’ve heard it, I know you have, do you really need a review on it? No.. I didn’t think so. I dare say it was on last year’s list (even though I didn’t review it that I recall) It’s not a bad song, and it’s a freaking masterpiece compared to most of this list. That said, it doesn’t really get me going at all, but for the sake of finally giving my poor dying ears a break. Coincidentally, there’s a song by a band called Amaranthe called Inferno that reminds me a whole lot of it at one part, which made me laugh so much.

 

 

 070 Jason Aldean - You Make it Easy

 

Auugh, why country!! This song sounds like they took Aerosmith’s ‘Crazy’ and countrified it. It really does.. Aerosmith doesn’t need countrification. They did it right the first time. Country guy loves his significant other, they’re bumpkin soul mates y’all! Ain’t that downright excitin’?! Wheeeeeee dawgies!!

 

 

069 Imagine Dragons - Natural
 

Ok, so these guys aren’t all bad, lets see what this is about.  Oooo I like it! The video definitely takes cues from American Horror story. The song is pretty good too! Holy crap! Go go now and hear this! Watch this! It’s good I swear!

 

 

068 Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa - One Kiss

 

It’s our friend Cassio! Welcome back. I know when I want that late 80s/early 90s techno, I can always go to Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa (who’s name sounds like a mouth condition.) This is the kind of song you hear while you wait on the phone for tech support…or in the background of porn. Take your pick. Move along, nothing to see here.

 

 

 

067 Khalid - Young Dumb & Broke

 

Well lets see if Khalid holds up on his own after being in that neat suicide song. Credit for attempting singing. It sounds almost like some Bob Marley, but with good ol cassio beats. Subjectwise its just remembering being dumb young and in High School. Woo. It’s pretty slow, and it’s not terribly memorable.  It’s likely to earworm its way into your brain and rear its ugly head some day, but it’d have a better chance at that if it were a bit more upbeat.

 

 

 

066 Max featuring Gnash - Lights Down Low

 

Well this isn’t what I was expecting. Like I said earlier, names!  Max featuring Gnash, sounds like I’m in for some horrible collaborative hip hop joint, instead I got a nice little slow jam akin to Sam Smith, then Gnash came in and did a little soft rap that wasn’t entirely out of place but enough so to be kind of augh.  Videowise it’s almost like Up opening the musical. So yeah don’t watch the video. All in all, not the worst, not anything I’ll pick up. Moving on..

 

 

065 Charlie Puth - How Long

 

Everyone wants to be JT. I’m not even sure who this guy is. I think he’s from One Direction or something. This one definitely has some MJ/JT vibes going on with a little Maroon 5 funk. It could get lodged in your head pretty easy if it weren’t such an overdone style. It isn’t terrible, I’d say a grade higher than waiting on tech support music.  I’m sure there are some teenybopper girls out there just eating this up. They can have it.  Video wise, I hope you like watching this guy dance all over the place and up walls, cause that’s what you’ll get.

[Dead]

064 Demi Lovato - Sorry Not Sorry

 

Oook then. Song wise, I’ve heard a lot worse. Heck, an hour ago I heard Nicki Minaj bore me to death in a song. Who’d have ever guessed? Anyway, this is another one of those songs that was all over the place in commercials and what not, so you probably heard it.  It’s a bit up beat and earwormy, but nothing you can’t shake thinking of something else, like Love Shack or the Inspector Gadget theme, either of those I think I’d rather hear over this, and both of those have been known to make me hit myself in the head with things to forget them. This won’t do that, and aside from the Sorry, NOT Sorry, part, I’ve already forgotten it. I didn’t know it was Demi Lovato, but she like the song is kind of forgettable so, I guess you see where this is going…

 

063 YG ft 2 Chainz, Nicki Minaj, and Big Sean - Big Bank

 

Just seeing the title of this one makes me not want to live on this planet anymore. Another stupid rap song with the worst possible “artists” ever, and I wrote that before I saw that Nicki was in it. Good lord. Well here we go… No! I wan’t to know who decides what rap music should be? This one awful. The “music” sounds like a broken Jack in the box being cranked by a quadriplegic with a mental disorder. Don’t forget cassio claps. The video and song in general is a bore unitl Nicki shows up on her Pepto Bismol horse.. but that’s only for a minute then its back to boring until the merciful Air Raid siren declares the song is over. Thank you Air Raid siren! You’re the best part of this whole song.  No joke.

 

 
062 Ariana Grande - God Is a Woman

 

Well, Ariana at least can sing. This song is just kinda weird. The video even more so. My feelings on it can be perfectly seen at 1:36. The video definitely tries too hard to be arty, and is just a lot of cringe.  The song itself isn’t awful, but the video definitely ruins it. What I can say, is at least it’s a song and not just people talking/mumbling over random toy noises and cassio claps. As a song, like so many others, it’s pretty forgettable.

 

061 Cardi B ft 21 Savage - Bartier Cardi

 

Augh, no!!! As if one Nicki Minaj weren’t enough.  All I keep hearing is Cardi’ll fart in your Ferrari. Something tells me that would sound better. This is definitely a song that makes me question if I heard it correctly. There’s a line about hot sauce on my chicken, that 21 savage throws out.. just wut. Please just let me die in peace.

 

060 Selena Gomez and Marshmello – Wolves

 

So if you ever wondered what a Selena Gomez Colab with Mumford and sons in the 80s would sound like, here ya go. It’s slow, its forgettable, it’s boring. Yawn.
 

 

059 Cardi B - Be Careful

 

NOOO!! I just heard you and you made my ears want to die. Why are you back so soon?! At least this one is more musical than the last, in that it sounds like a broken taco truck rolling down the street. Ugh this song can’t end fast enough.  Here’s a summary, Cardi was all in love and got her heart broken, now that guy can go to hell. There saved 4 minutes of your life.

 

 

058 Maroon 5 – Wait

 

Eh, this is not one of their best songs at all. Videowise its another CGI spectacle of bleh, although not quite as bad as the last one. Songwise its another forgettable song. It doesn’t stand out like most of their other hits and after 5 minutes I don’t even remember much about it. How do these songs get to be hits when I can’t remember them 5 minutes after I hear them?

 

 
057 Rich the Kid - Plug Walk

 

Yeah so this sucks. Shocker!! This kid can’t even rap good.  Hits all the clichés, big waste of time yadda yadda yadda. I should just make a general rap review and copy/paste it anytime one of these songs comes up, if they can’t put forth the effort, why should I?! Ok so song = terrible noise, how’s the video you ask? Well, stupid is a good word, but I feel it doesn’t do it justice. Basically if you want to see drugged out looking girls grind an alien and Rich the Kid badly imitate an episode of Breaking Bad, then you’ve come to the right place.

 

056 6ix9ine – Gummo

 

You may wonder why I’ve been so selective with the ‘I don’t want to live on this planet’ anymore rating. Mainly because I think there’s a level of stupidity that none of the songs have gone beyond yet, one that no matter how boring, obnoxious or grating all the previous songs have been. (even the ones) none of them have been this offensively bad. Well here you go. The first song I’m granting this prestigious award to. Congrats skittles face. You look about as hardcore gangster as a valley girl, but you sure try to sound like it. And you try WAAAAAAAAY too hard. I don’t think there’s more than 6 words in the “song” that aren’t N***** or F*** , and the video does 0 to convince me that he’s a hardened street gang member.  Yep. You get the Farnsworth.

 

 

:I dont want to live on this planet anymore: 

055 Lil Dicky ft Chris Brown - Freaky Friday

 

So, Lil Dicky, I’m somewhat familiar with. The last song I heard from him wasn’t actually terrible, and yes it was Rap.  Lol this one is the perfect follow up to that last song. Video was great, song made me laugh. Yep it’s good. Not headphones good, but I’ll probably go show it to a few people.

 

[Dead]

-interlude-

 

Yep, I'm working on finishing this list (OMGZORZ) and one thing is certain, taking breaks for bits at a time while reviewing is essential to getting it done, what's more, knocking out large chunks of the list is also helpful as you're less hesitant to go in thinking augh I've got soooooooo many more to do!! The breaks help your brain recharge (especially from the monotony that is this music) so you aren't just typing THIS SUCKS. and moving on (like I really want to do on some of these.) All that being said, here goes, and I'm looking forward to James' reviews if he ever gets around to them! haha some of these I'm dying to see his reaction to. 

[Dead]

054 Cardi B - Bodak Yellow
 

Augh.. get off my list, Cardi! I’m 30 seconds in and wondering if She’s half asleep, and also wishing the cheetah in the video would break its confines and maul her. This song of course hits all the rap clichés we’ve gone over so many times already. This also has the random noises thing going on, I guess to make it more interesting. Fail. I’m pretty sure this video is directly responsible for the assassination of the Kashogi (or however his name was spelled) as there’s a guy that looks just like in this. You know it’s sad when even the animals are bored in the video, and the cheetah seems half awake most of the time it’s seen. Maybe they had to tranquilize it so it wouldn’t try and gnaw its own head off to escape.

 

L

 

053 Kane Brown - Heaven
 

It’s country time again. At least we’re not hitting the typical country tropes with this one. He likes his girl/significant other/sheep and being with her/him/it is better than heaven! It’s not a terrible song I guess, but it’s like 3 lines and repeat. You get the whole point of the thing in the first two lines and then it just keeps driving that point home. Yeah yeah we get it. You have the snuggiest of partners. Good for you.

 

052 Drake - Nonstop
 

Obviously, I don’t understand or appreciate rap music. I won’t deny that at all. This song is not changing any of that for me. This one is probably one of the most bland rap songs I’ve subjected myself to, and yeah, it hits all the clichés.. yawn. I guess rap is the revolution against originality. I honestly couldn’t even bring myself to pay attention to this one, it just bored me from the get go.  And there’s no video either, just lyric ones. Ugh.  

L

051 Childish Gambino - This Is America
 

Ok, I’ve seen this one. As much as I want Donald Glover to put a shirt on, my wish will be denied for the next 4 minutes.  The one thing I can say about this vs the last song is this one at least tries, and the video is kinda great.  Songwise it seems to be taking jabs at all kinds of things (including songs like the last one.) I fail to understand why we can have so many crappy drakes and migos, and not more like Childish Gambino.  Still not my cup of tea, but it at least doesn’t make me want to tear my ears off.

: ) (for doing something besides the same old crap with the genre)

 

050 Kendrick Lamar ft Zacari - Love
 

This song is odd.. and the video is more odd. It really just sounds like a bunch of mumble and then a high pitched “LOVE ME” and repeat, with a lazy drum in the back. The video is some just oddness. Walking on a beach, fighting with the girlfriend, and then perverted sand mutants. Oooooook then. Pass

 

049 Sam Smith - Too Good At Goodbyes
 

It’s nice to get a break from awful when you get a talented person on the list.  This one (like most of his, honestly) is another woe is me tale. While he sings really well, I can’t help but shake the feeling he’s gonna ride the rejection train all the way to Taylor Swiftville. I don’t blame him really, I would too. But change it up a bit, man. Get a puppy or something. Video is predictably a lot of people having relationship issues and breaking up, etc. Shocker! So yeah you know what you get here. Pretty sounding song all about the sads.

 

048 Migos - Stir Fry
 

Uuuuugh.. can I just not? I don’t wanna! No no no!! *presses play* Ok the song is AWFUL. Do you like repeating, cause this is how you do repeating. Kitchen wrist, twisting like a stir fry x 10000000000. No. Also terrible autotune attempts at “singing” augh.. The video I can’t decide if is racist or homage to old kung fu movies. It kinda fails if it’s trying for either.

: (  : ( : (

 

047 Kendrick Lamar and SZA - All the Stars
 

This video borders on nightmare fuel at the start. Honestly I’m somewhat impressed with this. I expected more rap schlock but I got an actual song. Whaaaa?! SZA is definitely the star of the show here, but Kendrick isn’t a total slouch which was surprising.  I’m sure I’ve heard this somewhere, like on a commercial or something. It honestly isn’t the worst thing I’ve heard on this list. The video seems like it stole all the direction from Black Panther, which isn’t bad. It’s not terrible to look at and looks like they actually put some time into it. Kudos!

J

046 Shawn Mendes - In My Blood
 

Wow, 2 somewhat decent songs in a row?! Is the apocalypse upon us?! Granted I think I might like the last one more. This one at least has a bit of a rock vibe to it, which will earn any of these songs points with me. It’s more or less the same kind of song as the Sam Smith one, except more positive and more upbeat.  The video is boring. Boo.  Decent song though.

J

045 G-Eazy and Halsey - Him & I
 

For just a minute I thought we had the impossible trifecta of good, but then Halsey stopped singing and we got G-Eazy (spelling dropout) coming in and running it. This song would probably be 100x better if he just dropped out of it entirely.  Did they write this for each other? Are they together? Ew.  The video is more or less the two of them running around new York. Yay? Quick review- Halsey parts –good – Eazy parts – blech.  Will I remember this song in 10 minutes. Noooooooope.